Happy Birthday, Dad

I wrote this four years ago, five months after he passed and following the Chargers’ key loss last night, I thought about how cyclical life can be. I would like to think that somewhere, my dad is still holding his breathe like me, because, sometimes, hope is all we have… and some intimidating odds. Good luck, Chargers, on your playoff run, and happy birthday, Dad.


Today would have been my dad’s 68th birthday and the first thing I thought of was football.

It’s January 15, 1995, the day of the AFC Championship game. The score is 17-13, Chargers. The Steelers have the ball with time for just one more play, and I am watching my dad’s every move.

He turns up the volume, I get really quiet. He scoots up in his chair, I scoot forward from the floor. The ball is thrown into the end zone. He holds his breath, I cover my face. I peek just in time to see a Charger tip the ball away!

I turn to see my dad jump so high, his hands hit the ceiling. Ignoring his injury, he picks me up and tosses me in the air while yelling, “Chargers go to the Super Bowl! Chargers go to the Super Bowl!”

That moment was all about love. Love for football, love for hope, love for family.

Right now, I feel he’s thinking about football, hoping for a playoff spot, and knowing I’m doing the same.

Like father, like daughter. Happy birthday, dad. ❤

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I Don’t Want to Love You, Anymore

For reasons unknown, we entered each other’s lives.

We had parallel backgrounds, but did not intersect.

A chance encounter in 2010, not ready to connect.

A choice date in 2015, still not ready, but we had to see.

Five dates to feel yes before I kissed you.

Five months to feel no before our break and I missed you.

Five weeks after you let go of me before you came back to me.

Six months for the girlfriend label, another four until “I love you” atop the Eiffel.

And then… then we grew tired.

Me standing up to views I knew were wrong.

You fighting against changes you knew were right.

Did I demand too much? Maybe not enough, and you weren’t it.

Were you not ready? Maybe you were, and I wasn’t it.

You willingly let us die while I tirelessly fought to make up the deficit.

I don’t regret giving you my love, but am angered that love isn’t enough.

For reasons unknown, I still love you.

For reasons unknown, I still love you, but finally don’t want to, anymore.

For reasons unknown, we exited each other’s lives.

Someday, we’ll know.


Thanks, Mandy Moore… and New Radicals.

Goodbye, Skinny Love

skin·ny love
/ˈskinē ləv/

n.

a relationship that is malnourished and, therefore, unsustainable

Today, I bid farewell to skinny love, a relationship that wasn’t loveless but rather starved and nonviable. All that is beautiful will wither without proper nurturing, and you must be both willing and able before you can be ready to give yourself to another.

He was constantly hesitating to contribute the missing ingredients while I was hopeful that love and time could overcome all. Eventually, he reached an apex of apathy while I settled with disappointment.

Only by being achingly honest with ourselves can we grow into better people. While I believe he’s a good person, that he’s capable of becoming the man I had hoped for, that anything is possible, the first step must be acceptance.

To skinny love, I hope you set aside pride long enough to realize, and learn from, your shortfalls, and earn any love you receive. Although I will never forget our peaks of happiness, I can no longer ignore the valleys of pain you caused. Today, I let you go because I deserve someone who is ready, willing, and able.

Thank you, Birdy… and Bon Iver.

For Us

Today, I thank goodness for you, for us, and the growth we shared. Most importantly, I’m thankful we taught each other to love again.

Who knows what the future holds, but now is a time to grow and heal, alone. This chapter may be closed, but the book has yet to be completed.

Chapters of Love

May our paths cross again in a meaningful way. If not, know I want you to be happy and that my love for you persists without judgment or agenda. Don’t let your stubbornness get in the way of that.

It may be some time before I have a #HappyFriday, but here’s to hoping.


Photo credit: Star2.com